Is Your Autistic Partner's Gaming Healthy? 7 Signs to Consider

New here? Everything in this blog builds on ideas I go deeper into in my book, Love Across Spectrums — 513 pages of real tools, stories, and over 200 tips for women navigating relationships with men on the autism spectrum.https://a.co/d/0iWXRQjT and come back to game night with a whole new perspective. 

Welcome!

In my book Love Across Spectrums, as well as in some of my previous blogs, I touch on the topic of special interests and how important they can be to our partners on the autism spectrum. In this blog, I wanted to zero in on a particularly common special interest — video games — and why they often provide so much enjoyment, emotional regulation, social benefits, and more to people on the autism spectrum, while also discussing some warning signs that video gaming may have gotten out of control for your partner. I'll also cover how to tell the difference between what gaming addiction looks like in those on the spectrum versus those who aren't, and share 10 tips for adjusting to this (and virtually any) special interest your partner may have.

If this is your first time reading one of my blogs, welcome! I keep all my blogs archived, so if you're new here, be sure to check out my other archived posts — they may answer questions or give you tips you've missed.

Whether you're a new or returning reader, I'll provide a quick explanation of what a special interest is for those on the spectrum, for anyone who's unsure or wants more information.

What Is a Special Interest?

A special interest is a chosen interest of someone on the autism spectrum — often chosen in early childhood — that provides emotional regulation, enjoyment, and a passion deeper than what they might consider their "general" or "other" interests. A special interest can vary intensely from person to person, and even when a non-autistic partner shares the same interest, it usually isn't with the same passion, depth, or expertise their partner on the spectrum brings to it. That's because of how pivotal it can be to their life, emotional regulation, status, friendships, and more (more on that later).

Some common special interests for those on the spectrum include:

• Video games (the subject of this blog!)

• Trains/cars, etc.

• History/historical collecting (e.g., studying kings, dinosaurs, collecting swords, war memorabilia)

• Plants/wildlife (bird watching, gardening, etc.)

• Sports (hockey, soccer, basketball, golf, etc.)

• Reading/writing

• Art/design

• Science

• Computers

• And more!

In short, a person on the spectrum can have any special interest imaginable — there's no single interest that everyone on the spectrum shares. Special interests are as unique as our partners themselves, and can occasionally vary or even change over time.

So, you might be wondering…

Why Do Some Autistic People Love Video Games?

Just as what your partner picks as their special interest is unique to them, the "why" behind it is likely unique too. For some, it was introduced by a loved family member, and the special interest became how their family bonded. For others, it may have impacted them in a memorable way — a moment they still remember from childhood, seeing it in real life, in a documentary, or trying it for the first time. It all varies, so the best way to know why your partner chose their interest is to ask them yourself.

That said, there are some common reasons video games often appeal to people on the spectrum, based on feedback I've heard from those on the spectrum, research, and my own husband.

Early Positive Experience

Many people on the spectrum have had their special interest since childhood — which is one reason you might see your partner return to it more once you've been together a while and they get comfortable. For many, the interest has felt like part of their life for as long as they can remember. These memories tend to run deep because they were likely first exposed to the interest in a positive, safe, comforting environment, or alongside someone they trusted. Some examples of positive childhood experiences that can spark a special interest include:

• A beloved family member or close friend introduced them to it

• It was something the whole family enjoyed regularly (game nights, fishing days, etc.)

• An expert visited their school and amazed them with knowledge and facts

• They saw a TV show or documentary about it as a child

• They read a book about the topic and felt amazed and interested

And so on. But one thing your partner likely experienced as a child — and still experiences now — alongside fun and accomplishment, is emotional regulation.

Possible downsides (and what to do):

Special interests from childhood can sometimes be tough to manage in a relationship, leaving you feeling neglected, frustrated, confused, or bored. Some non-autistic partners even mistake their partner's enjoyment of a special interest for losing interest in them or the relationship — which, fortunately, usually isn't true. For some on the spectrum, it's a bit like how the rest of us might feel about a favorite color or food: loving it doesn't mean loving their partner any less (I'm talking to you, sugar cookies... love those things!).

An Emotional Regulation Experience

One thing nearly everyone on the spectrum will agree on is that their special interest supports emotional regulation. It's not just that gaming makes them "happy" — it can provide something closer to a powerful, sometimes near-total suppression of everyday struggles like anxiety, depression, or frustration, almost instantly. So if your partner has a stressful day at work, they may head straight to their game room, TV, or computer. While their mind focuses on the familiar game, it can temporarily relax, decompress, and feel a sense of control and autonomy.

This happens because special interests — video games included — require intense focus. While the brain is prioritizing that focus, it lets go of the other feelings, situations, and emotions that caused them to turn to the game in the first place. If they're stressed about a work promotion, the concentration needed to play well — tracking quests, mechanics, and strategy — fills their brain enough that the grip of that stress loosens, at least until the game ends.

That's often why, once a special interest is interrupted or ends, you may see a visible (and sometimes negative) mood shift, as the suppressed stress returns. In other cases, depending on the emotion, the game can give their brain the break and processing time it needs to work through a feeling that has no clear solution — for instance, helping them let go of work stress and relax.

Possible downsides (and what to do): 

When a special interest is interrupted — by a partner, a schedule change, unexpected events, or even something as ordinary as losing a match — it can trigger agitation, annoyance, anger, or a flood of the very feelings (anxiety, depression) the game was helping suppress. Because the game doesn't solve the underlying problem, only sets it aside temporarily, those feelings can come back all at once, like a dam breaking. This can look like anger, moodiness, snapping, agitation, or anxiety (even panic attacks in extreme cases). If at any time your partner shows abusive or concerning behavior, get help and safety for yourself and your partner right away through professional or emergency services.

Predictability in an Unpredictable World

You may feel like you're constantly adjusting to your autistic partner's needs, moods, and challenges — but keep in mind they're often doing the same for you, and for many on the spectrum, that adjustment doesn't stop with the relationship. Social life as a whole can require constant daily stress and adaptation, from work issues to simply living in a world often designed for people who aren't on the spectrum.

For an autistic person, every day can feel like another round of adjusting, masking, and adapting.

With all that daily stress and change, the predictability of a special interest — a video game whose rules have stayed the same since childhood, that makes sense and feels knowable — can be deeply grounding. Even when your partner picks up a brand-new game, given time they'll learn it, and often master it to the point of real achievement.

Possible downsides (and what to do):

Sometimes the need for predictability can't be met the way your partner wants or is used to. In video games specifically, this might look like someone cheating in a live match (breaking the rules they learned, and unfair on top of it), or schedule changes — travel, a new work schedule, a new baby or responsibility — that keep them from playing at their usual time or for their usual length. This is where planning ahead and learning their schedule (more on that later) can really help.

A Break from Interpreting Body Language

People on the spectrum are constantly observing and interpreting others' body language, whether they feel up to it or not — and getting it wrong can add even more stress (for example, trying to help a coworker whose body language actually says "leave me alone," leading to hurt feelings or an argument).

Even everyday life with us as partners can be stressful, having to figure out our moods, what we really mean, or what a shift in tone means, with real risk in getting it wrong.

Special interests offer a break from most of this — especially video games, where characters usually have:

• Less facial and physical body language (an NPC standing still in a saloon)

• More exaggerated expressions (an NPC smiling widely, a player emoting to cheer)

• Clear instructions (maps showing location, quest markers showing where to go)

• Conversation prompts that tell you when to speak, sometimes with a short list of pre-written choices — instead of having to think of exactly the right thing to say in real life

Games are designed to make interaction easy, since they're built to be interactive. When you think about it, it makes sense why games are often the special interest of choice: a break from stress, a dose of emotional regulation, and the ability to be social and use real skills without having to overthink it. That gives your partner a break from constant social-cue interpretation and lets them focus on what they can do — learning mechanics, using dexterity, applying rules to win — none of which depends on reading body language. They can just be themselves and excel at what they're good at, while still being social with game characters and other players, sometimes even through in-person meetups and gaming groups.

Possible downsides (and what to do):

Your partner can become so immersed in the game world that it starts to feel easier than the real one, leading them to want to game more and longer to essentially live there instead. This is rare, but if your partner is struggling to eat, sleep, or manage daily life because of gaming or any interest, seek professional help.

Friendship and Respect

For many on the spectrum, a special interest isn't purely solitary, even if the games themselves are played solo — mastery of the interest often opens doors to friendships and respect that would otherwise be hard to reach. A special interest gives your partner something to discuss that makes starting (and sustaining) conversations easier, since it's something they know deeply and have enjoyed since childhood, full of facts, history, and lore to draw from. That makes it easier to connect with others who share the interest, autistic or not.

It's not just a friend or two at work to talk games with — mastery and knowledge can help conversations start and flourish online and off, through interest groups, gaming clubs, tournaments, forums, and live chats.

The respect that comes with mastery can also be huge.

If your partner has won trophies in a game, that can lead to opportunities to speak with developers, win prizes or money, gain recognition (pro gamers and esports players are an extreme example), or simply have something to be proud of. That can feel especially meaningful when other areas of life — work, school — feel stagnant or stressful by comparison.

Possible downsides (and what to do): 

If your partner becomes very focused on their special-interest friend group, it can feel isolating, and that isolation may leave you feeling invisible or like they no longer care. Talking openly about gaming schedules and finding ways to share the interest — even just being in the same room — can help.

Bonding with You

Your partner may even see time spent enjoying their special interest with you as bonding — or even romantic — time, even if you're just in the room doing something else. Why? Because sharing a special interest, especially one they've had since childhood, can feel like sharing a part of themselves. For some, that's exactly what attracted them to their partner in the first place (true for my husband and me). This can hold even when your level of interest doesn't match theirs — they game for hours, you enjoy it on weekends, or you're into a different genre entirely.

If your partner has a special interest you don't know much about, simply asking them about it, watching them do it, or trying it yourself can be a great way to connect — if they're open to it. And even if you'd rather use their gaming time for your own hobbies or errands, checking in afterward to hear how it went can be a simple, low-pressure way to show you care and stay connected.

Possible downsides (and what to do): 

Even when you share an interest with your partner (as I do with gaming and my husband), a mismatch in passion level can still leave you feeling isolated. Talking with your partner, learning their schedule, and setting one together can ease both your minds and make expectations clearer.

The Gamer Couple: Our Story

My partner and I are fortunate to share the same interest, but as the non-autistic partner, I'll say without any contest that he "wins" when it comes to passion for it. I'm a proud gamer too — even in my 40s, as a homeschool mom and author — and I still make time for video games daily. My favorite genres range from cozy simulators to online shooters, with the occasional mobile game thrown in when I'm out and about.

I've been playing video games since I was around five, back before Nintendo was even "Super" yet — games and I go way back. It was actually our shared love of games that first attracted my husband and me to each other. He understood that I loved games, and I understood that he did too... until I didn't.

My husband picked up his special interest through his late grandmother (cool, right?) — she and his uncle were the ones who taught him how to play, and gaming became how their whole family bonded. So you can imagine that both before and after her passing, games have been a huge source of comfort in his life, and in ours as a couple.

Our first real clash over gaming happened literally the second day we moved in together, before our wedding. He was playing a racing game I loved, so I happily watched — until his playtime went on so long I started to feel bored, neglected, and invisible. I remember thinking, "Wow, am I really so boring he'd rather play this than talk to me?" — and that hurt. I went on a very angry walk, one where I cussed him out into the air (possibly to the amusement of an eavesdropping neighbor), stomping around muttering things like, "Are pretend cars really better than talking to me?! Fine." Immature, a little selfish — sure. But I was in my 20s, newly married, and nobody's perfect.

Eventually I came back from my angry stomp — er, walk — and we talked about why he'd been playing so long. Turns out he didn't know I was bored (fair, I hadn't said anything), he was having a great time (also fair, it's a great game), and he was actually playing partly to bond with me and show off his skills a little (cute, in hindsight — I just hadn't seen it that way in the moment).

Over time, I learned to speak up, and we learned to set schedules, get clear on expectations, and build a routine (which tends to work well for people on the spectrum). Now, gaming is a pretty seamless part of our lives. Sometimes we game together, sometimes apart, sometimes with our daughter as a family. Sometimes he plays while I do something else in the same room; sometimes I do my own thing or go for a walk. It depends — and there's a rhythm to it that works for us. You can find what works for your partner too. Here's where to start.

10 Tips for Managing Special Interests as a Couple

1. Don't Take It Personally Work on learning more about your partner's special interest: 

Why it matters to them, their usual schedule, and how much time they need for it daily. Focus on understanding and supporting it as something that's part of them, rather than treating it as a competition between you and the interest, or proof that they love you less. It can genuinely hurt to watch your partner choose their interest over time with you — but in many cases, that interest helps them decompress and process enough to be more present, calmer, and more focused when you are together.

If the time and energy spent on it is truly causing problems and straining the relationship beyond what these tips can address, reach out to a professional for guidance. Otherwise, your partner engaging with their special interest — even while genuinely loving you — is usually normal, and even healthy, for many people on the spectrum. Much like how needing sleep doesn't mean we love our partner less, for some on the spectrum, a special interest is a kind of mental rest that helps them recover and come back stronger.

2. Learn Their Schedule — and Set One Together 

One common issue, especially for newer couples, is that neither partner has actually talked through the basics of the special interest's role in daily life. How long do they usually engage in it? How long do they feel they need? Do they feel like they get enough time for it? Having clear answers sets expectations for you both, and gives you something to adjust together as needed. Ask calmly and with genuine curiosity, not out of frustration — asking in anger tends to lead to more frustration and resolves nothing.

3. Get Your Own Interests 

Once you understand your partner's schedule, decide how you want to build it into your life together. If it's a shared interest, do you want to do it together? If not, how do you want to spend your time while they engage in theirs — nearby doing something else, or with some space between you? You might read, pursue your own hobby, spend time with friends or family, exercise, or a mix of all of it — then reconnect afterward to share how your time went.

4. Learn About Their Special Interest —and/or Try It 

Special interests can be hard to adjust to, especially when you don't understand why your partner loves something so much. Left as a private, rhetorical question, "why do they even like that thing?" can turn into frustration or resentment. Instead, ask your partner directly: what are the rules? How does it work? What's the history or lore? Even a little understanding can soften a lot of the harder feelings that come from not "getting" the interest.

5. Invite Them to Try New Things — Without Assuming the Answer 

Your partner's special interest needing space doesn't mean it has to be their only interest. If you want to try something new together, ask — don't assume you already know the answer, and don't pressure them into it (never pre-book skydiving and ask afterward). Be ready to accept a "no" gracefully. They may surprise you with a "yes" to something else entirely, even if they pass on your first idea.

6. Give Them Space and Time 

Do your best to respect their schedule and be understanding within reason. This gets easier once you know how long they typically need, and once you've got your own plan for what to do during that time instead of waiting around, bored and resentful, for them to finish.

7. Learn Their Interest's Personal History 

How did they discover their special interest? Who introduced them to it? How did their family feel about it growing up? What does it do for their emotional regulation? What makes them happiest about it? Questions like these might seem small, but they build real empathy. Knowing, for instance, that your partner learned a game from a late grandmother, and that playing it still makes them feel closer to her (true story, in our case) can completely change how you see the time, energy, and emotional weight they give it.

8. Practice Acceptance — Even Without Full Understanding 

Even after trying all of this, you might still not "get" your partner's special interest, and that's okay. What matters is accepting it, even if you don't share the enthusiasm — as long as it isn't hurting anyone and isn't illegal. You can dislike video games and still give your partner the peace, quiet, and space to enjoy them as part of your shared life and routine.

For many on the spectrum, a special interest has been part of who they are since childhood. If you married the partner, you may have married the special interest too — and accepting it, within reasonable limits and schedules, is often part of accepting the whole person.

9. Make Room for Your Own Feelings 

You may have mixed or even negative feelings about your partner's special interest, and that's normal — you're two different people, and this likely isn't your only difference. What matters is feeling those emotions somewhere they won't guilt-trip or hurt your partner. I'll say it plainly: as a gamer myself, I don't agree that gaming is "stupid" — but if that's genuinely how you feel, it's okay to feel it. You don't have to like, understand, or be good at your partner's special interest to still love and support them and give them room to enjoy it while you do your own thing. When negative feelings come up, ask yourself what specifically is bothering you, and find a constructive outlet — journaling, exercise, time with friends — rather than directing it at your partner for enjoying something they genuinely love.

10. Learn the Signs to Watch For 

Beyond simply not enjoying or understanding your partner's special interest, you may wonder when "enough" becomes a real problem. Keep in mind that signs of something like gaming addiction can look different in autistic partners than in non-autistic ones. Playing for hours might signal addiction in one context, and simply be part of a normal schedule — or a requirement of a serious skill level — in another. Some signs that may point to a real problem, whatever the underlying interest:

• Insomnia (24+ hours consistently)

• Refusing to eat or drink for dangerous periods of time

• Violent meltdowns

• Losing touch with reality (believing the game world or characters are real)

• Unable to shower or brush teeth for 24+ hours because of the game

• Serious disruption to daily life (missing work or school for days at a time)

• Abusive or aggressive behavior — seek emergency help immediately

These are just a few of the more serious signs to watch for. If you have any concerns, please talk to a professional or seek emergency help. 

So there you have it — my take on autism and video games, one of the most common special interests among autistic partners, in relationships or otherwise! I hope you enjoyed this post. If you did, hit like so I know to keep making more. For more guidance and insight, check out my book Love Across Spectrums, with 200+ tips for navigating situations like this in neurodiverse relationships. You can find it here: https://a.co/d/0iWXRQjT

Have an amazing day! Amy