40 Emotional Self-Care Ideas for Women in Relationships with Men on the Autism Spectrum

Emotional Secrecy in Relationships with Men on the Autism Spectrum 

I am an author, the person behind the book — and I never expected to have to write an opinion piece, start social media pages to express my opinions, or have the conversation we’re about to have today on such a controversial topic — but, here we are. So, welcome. 

Both in my book (Love Across Spectrums, by Amy Zo), and recently during my free 7-day series for women in relationships with men on the Autism Spectrum (7 Truths, 7 Days series, available on this website: normalfreedom.com/7truths), I talk about the concept of “emotional secrecy.” 

Emotional secrecy, in my opinion, is what happens when partners of people on the spectrum feel isolated discussing the unique dynamics of their neurodiverse relationship with others. It looks like trying to talk about the challenges of feeling misunderstood, only for friends, family, relationship books, or other social media relationship gurus to not get it — and say things like “just do this,” or “just try that,” or “hey, men are just like that” (pretty sexist of a comment to me). None of that addresses the non-spectrum partner’s feelings, or the real neurological differences their partner may have. 

Get brushed aside enough, and you start to feel your thoughts and feelings are something to ignore, push down, or smile through — which only leads to more confusion and isolation. Enough of that, and it starts to feel like the only way out is to abandon the relationship, or to stay while seething in resentment, feeling like you’re not even allowed to have feelings or need guidance. 

Emotional secrecy can also look like fear of even mentioning you’re in a neurodiverse relationship, for fear of you or your partner being judged or stereotyped. As well-meaning as it is, that fear can lead you to “cover up” your partner's possible behaviors like stimming or sensory overload from other people. That’s exhausting, isolating, and it can leave you sad or even depressed. And once again, it starts to feel like the only way out is to leave — or to keep pushing through with unhealthy coping mechanisms just to hold it together. 

Emotional Self-Care for Women in Relationships with Men on the Autism Spectrum 

While we are on the topic of emotional secrecy in relationships, I want to talk about how emotional self-care can benefit women in relationships with men on the spectrum more than they may realize — and the transformative effect it can have when we make more room for it in our relationships. 

For us, self-care needs to be deeper than face masks and bubble

baths. Pampering ourselves has its place — I literally have caramel

bubble bath I’m excited to use this week — but there’s a side of self-care that doesn’t get talked about enough for women in neurodiverse relationships like ours: 

emotional self-care.

Emotional self-care is the opposite of emotional secrecy. Where

emotional secrecy is hiding your feelings from others (and sometimes

yourself), emotional self-care is purposely making more room for your

emotions — seeking them out, expressing them, finding answers to

your questions, and finding people and places where you can be 100%

honest about your feelings, no matter how messy, silly, or small they

may seem. 

They matter, because they’re inside of you, and you matter.

And as always after discussing the possible issue (emotional secrecy), I am not going to leave you hanging without some possible solutions (emotional self-care)---I gotcha covered!

40 emotional self-care ideas to try today:

1. Journal honestly — write what you’re actually feeling without

censoring yourself.

2. Have a good cry — let yourself release emotion instead of always

holding it together.

3. Take yourself on a solo date — coffee (my favorite!), dinner, a museum, a

bookstore, or a walk.

4. Say “no” without feeling obligated to provide a lengthy

justification.

5. Spend time with someone who makes you feel emotionally safe —

or book a discovery call with me if you’re a new client and want to

talk 1-on-1 (https://www.normalfreedom.com/discoverycall). 

6. Stop checking someone’s social media when it makes you anxious

or upset.

7. Write an unsent letter to someone who hurt, disappointed, or

confused you.

8. Talk to a therapist or counselor when something feels too heavy to

process alone.

9. Practice self-compassion when you make a mistake. Literally say,

“It’s okay, I forgive myself” — and it’s okay if you don’t believe it at

first. It takes practice.

10. Take a break from being productive, and from productivity content

too. Just existing is pretty productive in this fast-paced world.

You’re enough.

11. Listen to music that matches your mood rather than forcing

yourself to feel positive.

12. Get in bed 30 minutes earlier for a calming night-time ritual — tea,

journaling, fiction.

13. Meditate or sit quietly for 5–10 minutes.

14. Practice deep breathing when you’re emotionally overwhelmed.

15. Name your emotions specifically instead of just saying “I feel bad” — then spend 10 minutes brainstorming things that might help,

and pick one simple thing to try when you’re calmer.

16. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”

17. Give yourself permission to change your mind.

18. Stop comparing your timeline to other women’s timelines.

19. Mute accounts that trigger insecurity, jealousy, or inadequacy.

20. Celebrate your accomplishments privately, not just publicly. Do a

happy dance in the bathroom when no one can see — I do it too 🥳.

21. Keep a “things I’m proud of” list.

22. Create a list of people you can call when you’re struggling.

23. Ask for help before you reach your breaking point.

24. Let someone care for you without feeling guilty about receiving it — including accepting your partner’s help when they offer.

25. Spend an afternoon doing something purely because you enjoy it,

like coloring or a childhood favorite activity. I still read YA books —

my favorite is The Magic Thief by Sarah Prineas.

26. Create a playlist for different emotional states.

27. Declutter something that creates mental noise.

28. Protect your sleep instead of sacrificing it to constantly catch up.

29. Stop chasing closure from people who aren’t capable of giving it —

including parents, if that applies to you, like it does for me.

30. Practice saying what you need instead of hoping someone notices — especially with your partner on the spectrum. Learn to own your

feelings and needs.

31. Move your body when you’re emotionally stuck — walk, stretch,

dance, swim, or exercise.

32. Take yourself somewhere beautiful and be present there — bonus

points if you don’t turn it into a photo montage just to prove to

social media you went.

33. Give yourself a “reset day” when life feels overwhelming.

34. Learn your personal signs of burnout. Mine are feeling tired and

confused, yet barely able to sleep or focus.

35. Write down — or just consider — what’s within your control, and

what isn’t. I love reading stoic quotes from Epictetus, and even

Diogenes (yes, the guy who lived in a barrel🤣).

36. Choose yourself in a situation where you’ve been repeatedly

abandoning your own needs.

37. Treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for loving and

protecting, not just your partner.

38. Close your eyes, when it’s safe to, while savoring something

delicious — a good coffee, a favorite snack, or in my case, this new

pomegranate black tea my husband bought me. It’s so good.

39. Sit with your pet, or watch an animal in nature. Consider that it

matters and deserves love without being perfect or productive

24/7 — and the same is true for you. You can slow down. It’s okay.

40. Coloring Books. I love coloring books with my daughter using alcohol markers to relax — we like HOTU brand. There's something about picking your own colors that lets your mind slow down, giving it one simple problem to solve: "what shade fits this picture of a dancing unicorn on a donut best?" instead of everything else you can't solve in the moment.🦄🖍️

Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I haven’t picked

an official upload schedule for these blogs — I write organically to

keep things authentic and passionate, but my aim is weekly,

sometimes more if the mood strikes. 

⭐Please like, share, and comment ⭐

so I know what to write next. You are why I write all of this.

I also have a YouTube channel with the 7 Truths, 7 Days series and

other shorts and exclusives you won’t find here:

youtube.com/@amyzoauthor/videos 

Have an amazing week, everyone.

— Amy